[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.