last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Y鈥檃ll wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that鈥檚 somehow different every time.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Asked him his height and he鈥檚 been typing for 2 minutes 馃え
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait