Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.