Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me irl
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans