Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Vodka burrito was a success
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.