Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?