Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I ate everything, including the H.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.