Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.