Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Anime is real
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot