Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.