the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
o shit
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Put the is in disheveled
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….