Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?