Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Remember to think of others this holiday season!