Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.