I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower