Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.