@AmberTozer: Lately I've been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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@notseriouslyamy: Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
@Reverend_Scott: [at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
@MyPolishFace: Me: guess what I shaved! Him: your armpits? Me: no Him: your mustache? Me: no Him: your nec- Me: I don't wanna play this game anymore