[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You Might Also Like
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.