I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.