If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
New comic up. “Ransom”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?