“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
new record!
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m confused about plants
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
That’s incredible! 👌
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
OH. COME. ON.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
President The Rock Obama