Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
first you must answer his riddles
he was correct
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.