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@ImTheSheriff: Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
@FloodyHippie: Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
@Smethanie: Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
@LOsepyan: The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen
@Dani_Feld: What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?
What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?