*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.