Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
this chia pet tastes awful
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs