Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps