[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.