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Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now