@DaddyJew: Laughter is the best medicine, unless you can afford cocaine.
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@Juststopkate: Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella. And also my car door.
@christinaloca: How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
@UncleDuke1969: She said we needed to talk and... I said, "Yeah, I think we should break up, too." She said, "About where to eat." "Oh," I said, "Pizza?"
@DanMentos: "Bob's here" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? "We only know one Bob and he's an accountant" *arm falls off*