@DaddyJew: Laughter is the best medicine, unless you can afford cocaine.
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@Manali_Shetye5: Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure
@leechee420: If Reese Witherspoon doesn't call her poop "Reese's Feces" she's missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
@ohpeetie: [ during job interview ] - "Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?" - "I give up, why?"