(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.