When I can’t barge, I careen.
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[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.