If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes