@BackrowSeats: Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You'll still have herpes.
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@Eric_Bader: Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
@sammyrhodes: Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
@Book_Krazy: Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL
@lm_GrumpyCat: I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.