@BackrowSeats: Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You'll still have herpes.
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@gobmentcheese: A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I'm at the airport.
@AndyAsAdjective: [watching The Avengers] 7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry? ME: probably because his kid won't stop asking questions during movies
@KatieBurnett: The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.