Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
japanese corn
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”