I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight