Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Midwest trash talk
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.