launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The old gods are rising again.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.