Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Traveler’s camo
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
don’t be scared
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K