Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
#Caturday
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!