Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?