“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
🤣
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.