[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.