@JasonLastname: Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
@PaperWash: I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.
@Dutch_50: I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.