Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling