Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.