Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Duck typos.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I bet
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”