Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys