Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Never be a pizza!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.