Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.