Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
He is just living hist best little life 😊
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
need him
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*