lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
hmmm
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.