*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?