lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.