lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.